Cocaine: Apparently a Timeless Classic?

My submission to our campus newspaper (just kidding, they can't handle my brilliant mind).

Ok, obviously Breaking Bad is about meth but let me live. Also, a few notes to my darling beloved readers: 1) I am not romanticizing drug use <3. 2) I hate insurance companies and Reagan and Ayn Rand so, like, substance use rehab should be universally accessible and judgment-free, but, y'know, satire. 3) I've never done cocaine and I'm not just saying that because of my digital footprint.

Ok, I can't be the only one who was hashtag SHOCKED that college kids are still doing coke in this day and age. Like, aren't we the Euphoria generation?!! The era of iPad Max Pros or whatever and 600 Oreo flavors??? Have we really not progressed past this? It just feels so archaic...

I mean, I came into college fully expecting fun-colored pills and little paper tabs you put on your tongue 21-Jump-Street style (the Channing Tatum movie, not the TV show, obvs, I'm a cultured woman). Instead I got American Psycho and SVU. BORING.

For all 18-year-old-me knew, Silicon Valley had engineered some cutesy-chrome computer chip you swallow that reprograms your DNA or something (omg so cybercore Y2K vaporwave, yummy!). But NO. IT'S STILL COCAINE. WTF PEOPLE. WHAT IS ELON MUSK EVEN DOING OVER THERE THEN. WHAT'S THE POINT.

I just don't get it. Maybe I'm missing something here, but coke just feels sooooo 80s-Wall-Street-VIP-strip-club-lounge. Not, like, frat party full of undergrads drunk off Pink Whitney dancing to "Pursuit of Happiness". Where's the DRAMA. Where's the GLAMOUR. Hunter Schafer's graphic liner did not die for this.

Am I just at the wrong school? Are the aesthetically-appealing party drugs only at, like, NYC clubs and they haven't made it out to us in upstate New York yet? Fucking urban sprawl. This would never happen if we had walkable cities.

Sigh...I guess some things are just timeless. Like Jurassic Park and Little Black Dresses. Maybe you can't beat the classics. I'm still mad about it though. It's offensive to my aesthetic sensibilities.

Talk to me, readers. Was this a shocking development for you as well??? Did anyone expect this?? Or maybe you're thinking: WTF are you talking about, I'm sucking on glittery LSD unicorn stickers on the reg; in which case let's discuss this further in my DM's.

xooxxoxoxoxo bye sweet dreamssss