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dizzy

i’m nothing I’m nothing i used to think that was cruelty now i know it was wishful thinking little thing hands over ears it’s not real it’s not real there’s no place like home click click tap please let me be nothing 

i am pretty like a bug hit against a wall pretty like the gurgle of the shower drain pretty like off milk which is to say not pretty at all push your nose into the carton and smell it for spoiling which is to say im jealous of the centipede under your shoe little legs scattered and twitching

which is to say put me in the wash and run me at the highest heat then forget about me down in the basement, even with pills, even with love, i am jealous of the finish line when you move it

we’ll boil water on the stove for pasta and you can dip me inside by the wrist until i’m red as a blush like i’ve been taken to bed

i am invisible i follow the love of my life to the grocery store and press my palms into the shapes her hands made testing the fruit for ripeness

i am invisible i can cry on the subway i am see-through in front of the glp-1 ads

i am not invisible i am something i wish god was real so he could make me not bad i wish god was real so someone could clean me but there is no god there is no filthy pretty god he is too far away from me i am an insect in the sound-damp earth i am the lightyears between us i will be dead when my prayers reach him if he looks for me he will look for me as a dead star in a telescope i am a stained bedsheet i am red like water

there is no god i am a penny dropped down a grate

i used to be empty now i am peach cobbler maybe someday if im lucky i will be nothing and that is good because i am the luckiest girl in the world