Who Is This Girl I'm Logged Into the Email Account of and Why Do People Keep Sending Her Things?!
- Riley Howe
- Jul 23
- 5 min read
(TW: derealization). What is happening??!! Who is this person?? What do people want with her?????!!!! She sounds pretty cool, I guess, but like... wrong number?
Just like every other summer break, I've become the hapless collateral damage of some identity theft scheme DROWNING me under their paper trail. And, as tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow creep in this petty pace from day to day (or whatever Hamilton said), it's getting worse.
I don't get it. It's like every single time I go on vacation- especially the long ones- people start to mix me up with some other chick who does stuff and knows people and is, like, competent and likeable or whatever. Wtf.
Okay, context. But before we begin, I'm warning you: this is some spooky, X-Files type shit. THE TRUTH IS OUT THERE, GUYS. IN MY GMAIL INBOX. Steel yourselves, and if you have a weak composition turn back now. Cherrypi cannot and will not be held liable for any breakdowns in mental, physical, spiritual, emotional, or any other forms of health. Moving on...
It's more than halfway through July right now, and ever since May I've been getting all these notifications meant for... someone else? It's not anything particularly bad... this other girl isn't, like, in the mafia or something. But she's Just. Not. Me!!!! And the more of her life I stumble into, the more weirded out I get! Because we're just so different! How are people confusing the two of us??
It's gotten totally untenable. I wake up and one of this girl's besties has texted her something really sweet, and I'm like, what do I even do with this??? No hate but this clearly can't be for me. I'm really not that interesting. Idk, maybe if this girl had contact photos or something then the names of these people would start ringing bells... but I just can't seem to conflate the clearly wonderful and thriving social life this girl has with lil' old me. Obviously these are wrong numbers.
AND! THE EMAILS!!!! THE ENDLESS EMAILS!!!!!!! People are just lining up to talk to this girl about her work and her career prospects and her academic success and all the stupid, irritating, ridiculous good qualities she has. It's actually kind of annoying. Like, save some for the rest of us, bitch. Ugh. I do not want to be sitting on my bed doomscrolling on Pinterest because Gmail gives me anxiety attacks and be forced to confront all this evidence of some other girl doing all the stuff I suck at!!! Stop it!!!
You think it's over? NO! Then, there's the photos... my camera roll is infected with thousands and thousands of pictures of this random girl doing fun things and dressing up and going to parties and being generally cool and sociable. And you know what's ironic? She kinda looks like me!! Never say that the universe doesn't have a sense of humor, I guess.
It goes on and on... the BIRTHDAY MESSAGES. THE GROUP SELFIES. THE WELL-WISHES. THE TRANSCRIPTS. THE COMPLIMENTS. THE PRAISE. THE PRAISE. THE PRAISE!!!!!!!!!!
I'm going insane, dear readers. And it doesn't just stop at my phone.
As every day passes, things get worse and worse. I don't remember what my room used to look like but it's definitely changing?? I keep finding things that aren't mine, like all these letters and stuff saved from her friends, or gifts other people bought for her, or books I haven't gotten around to reading filled with notes and highlighter. They're all really cute things, too. I almost feel voyeuristic looking at them. All the people who wrote the letters clearly like her a lot. I feel sorta guilty that the girl herself isn't here to appreciate this stuff.
Maybe I need to check my carbon monoxide detectors or something.
The room is full of cameras, but I'm terrible at photography. There's lipstick in my desk that's almost used up, but it isn't my shade. There's clothes in my closet that I would never wear because I'd look awful in them. There are diaries filled with things I'd never say, about how well things are going and how all these wonderful things keep happening to me. It's so creepy.
You're probably going to say I'm crazy, but I don't know. This all just feels so unsettling. It's like I'm living someone else's life... or, maybe, I'm living my OWN life but everyone seems to think I'm someone else. And every time they look at me and start to understand I'm not the girl they think I am I feel even worse! Like, sorry, guys. I don't know how to help you. I wish she was here too. She'd probably be better at handling this than I am.
Every time I get an email, I just want to crawl under my bed and die. I know it'll be an email for her, not for me, and it'll probably be filled with all these things I don't know how to respond to because they're just not me.
Maybe it'd be easier if I was a better liar. But I'm terrible at lying. This other girl is probably great at it, the fucking bitch. But I'm not, and people keep wanting me to open up their stupid messages and tell them something about how I'm doing well and I hope they're doing well and I'm making progress with this thing or that thing and I'm optimistic and the work is coming along great and the meeting went fantastic and thanks so much for connecting it was so great to speak with you yes I would love to chat with your friend of a friend of a friend I can't wait to schedule a Zoom call that I'll be early for and say all the right things and be responsible and mature and wonderful and great productive functioning awesome mature functioning productive great wonderful charming sweet intelligent valued intelligent charming bitch.
And just when I think I have things under control then some really great person I don't know at all texts because they're worried about this CHARMING WONDERFUL BITCH OF A GIRL. I hate her. I hate her so much I can't even text them back. But then I feel guilty about that, too, because her friends don't deserve to feel bad just because they have a wrong number.
I hate it here. It's not fair. If she's so much better why doesn't she just come back and clean all this up for me? Sometimes I think maybe I am going crazy and if I just rack my brain hard enough I'll remember these people and what their voices sound like and then they won't be so scary. Or maybe I'll remember who used up all this lipstick. Or who took this picture, or drew this sketch, or left this voicemail for the person who just called me back.
Sometimes I even second-guess what I see in the mirror. I'm getting ready for work or something, and then after I do my eyeliner I get this glimpse- just a glimpse, just a fraction of a second- of the girl from my camera roll. But then she's gone.
Maybe she doesn't even exist. I've lost so much sleep trying to figure it out!!!!!! Is she real at all? Is she just a ghost and she's driving me (all of us, I guess) batshit fucking insane?! If that's the case, then what did I ever do to you, asshole. Let me be my terrible disappointing self in peace, please, without reminding me all the time about how I suck [eye roll]. Maybe she's just as confused as I am. Maybe I'm the one haunting her.
I'm lost, my darling readers. Any advice? Who is this girl? And, while I pray and wait for all of this to mercifully end, what am I supposed to do with her email inbox? It's so exhausting playing pretend. Especially when you're talking to strangers...
xoxoxo !! if ive left u on read ill drag her back by the hair and make her text u back i promise just hang in there
Comments