Why Finch is My New Social Media App

THE FINCH CULT SPREADS.

OMG, she's dreaming about cherries, just like her mommy.

As any close friend to me knows, my current obsession is Finch: a self-care app where you clock in the day-to-day shit you do like stand up and brush your teeth (it isn't so easy for some of us, okay??!!) so you can send a little bird on adventures and buy it pants. Shockingly addictive.

I was first introduced to it by some friends who I initially thought were involved in a secret society, because they kept saying things like, "my bird is in London right now!", and, "I just got a baby llama!". I was like, WTF. Are they talking about carrier pigeons. What's happening in London. Should I be watching the news. *shakes someone by the shoulders * WHAT DOES IT MEANNNNNN.

Fortunately, I realized that they were talking about an app, and there was no (new) global threat as far as we were aware.

I'll admit, I was a doubter at first, but that little bird won my heart over fast. Then I realized you could decorate her house and it was all over. Self-care meets Barbie Dream Closet meets Tamagotchi.

Since then, I have spread the Finch Gospel to approximately 10 people. Originally I had no investment in their personal lives and couldn't care less whether they lived or died (joking, obvi), provided they USED MY INVITE CODE SO I COULD GET AN ARCTIC FOX MICROPET RIGHT THE FUCK NOW GODDAMIT. But then I discovered the "Send Good Vibes" tool in the little friend treehouse section of the app and suffice it to say I had a Grinch-Heart-Growing-Three-Sizes moment.

---

For those not already in the Finch cult, the Good Vibes button allows you to click on one of your friends (conveniently depicted as an adorable floating bird head on a big tree) and send them a little bundled package of your particular choice of vibe, delivered in the form of an automated message of your bird telling them you're thinking of them or sending hugs etc etc.

For example, here are some of the positivity weapons in your compassion arsenal: Hugs, Gratitude, Outfit Love, Water, Encouragement, Good Morning, Sweet Dreams, AND MORE. And when I tell you I hit that Hugs button with the force and gravitas of Eisenhower deploying nuclear weaponry, I mean it. I take that shit seriously.

IT'S NOT JUST A BIRD APP ANYMORE, GUYS. I GOT MY ENTIRE FAMILY TO USE IT (and again, for any close friends who know my family, that is a MFING ACHIEVEMENT).

I send my mom Sweet Dreams vibes because she always wants me to text her goodnight so she knows I'm not dead, and I never do, but if a little bird does it for me and I don't have to come up with any words then SURE, MOM. GOODNIGHT.

My little brother bought his bird a suit and has been SPAMMING my other sibling with, like, 30 Stretch Breaks and Encouragements a day so he can get fucking rainbow stones or whatever the bird currency is.

I GOT MY DAD TO DOWNLOAD IT. DO YOU UNDERSTAND HOW INSANE THAT IS. HE HAS A LITTLE GREEN BIRD NAMED GUS (WHO THE FUCK NAMES SOMETHING GUS).

---

It's actually beautiful to witness. And beneath the comedy is a seriousness I can't overstate: our family tradition is historically, as follows; extremely dark humor, laughing through the pain, trying out therapy, being unable to take the therapy seriously and incorporating ridicule of the therapy into the dark humor, and so on. But yesterday I heard my brother say he was GOING TO HIS ROOM TO DO A DEEP BREATHING EXERCISE. Finch, I owe you my life.

My friends know what I'm talking about too (hi, guys!). The sheer power contained in one well-timed Encouragement or High Five is insane. What are they putting in these Good Vibes. Is it coke. That doesn't sound very self-carey.

And the beauty of it all is it's SO EASY. SO EFFICIENT. In my opinion, there is nothing that can't be summed up by "Sweet Dreams" or "Good Morning" that is worth saying.

Even as a joke, that might sound shallow, but I'm not really joking. It's not about the words. It's about what that silly little notification means, which is, I'm alive and thinking about you and I want you to be happy. And is there really anything anyone needs to say beyond that? I don't think that's a bad thing to wake up to in the morning, or see right before you go to sleep.

I'm out there somewhere and I love you. If I was there I would hug you. I can't say it out loud in my own words without sounding cheesy but I'm cheering for you. Drink some water. I love you. Take a deep breath. I love you. Your little bird's outfit is adorable. I love you.

What else could you possibly need?

---

use my friend code so i can send u little hugs and high fives, darling readers!