Frat Parties I Would Throw if I Were a Guy

Are you craving the taste of shitty watered-down beer and the sound of Travis Scott's "SICKOMODE" playing for the 14th time, but feeling bored with the lame and overdone Blackout and Fourth of July events that happen every single year? Well, take notes, frat boys of America. Here's a list of parties I would actually go to.

1. Assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand

If anyone knew how to party, it was Archduke Franz Ferdinand Carl Ludwig Joseph Maria of Austria. Would his death have caused such widespread disruption of the global sociopolitical landscape if he didn't serve astronomical levels of cunt?

Honor his memory by throwing the rager of your life, complete with assassins hiding in the rafters and real grenades. Pull up in one of those old-timey stagecoaches they have in Central Park. Make Franz proud.

Dress code: 2014 fake mustaches, military apparel, bleeding bullet wounds, and bedazzled rifles.

2. "Area 51" Alien Abduction

Looking for an easy yet innovative frat theme? What about an Area 51 raid, complete with alien abductions and tinfoil hats? Nothing is sexier than the long, spindly fingers and leering black eyes of a newly discovered alien species, all up in your business while you grind on the dance floor.

To add a fun gender-specific twist, the girls can dress up as smoking hot extraterrestrials ready to impregnate their abductee male partners using futuristic alien technology!

Dress code: neon body paint, shiny latex, 3rd trimester pregnancies, and cold metal probes going places they shouldn't.

3. ASMR

I love an earsplitting rager as much as the next girl, but sometimes I want to sweat out my body weight in hard liquor WITHOUT the 3 day long migraine.

Just imagine the speakers blaring out the dulcet tones of tapping fingers, whispering voices, and scratching Velcro... the DJ brushes a makeup brush over the microphone and softly intones, "let's get this party started". Ah. So relaxing. So soothing.

Dress code: long acrylic nails you can tap on your red solo cup.

4. Taco Tuesday but on a Friday

Fuck Fourth of July. Fuck St. Patrick's day. Fuck Groundhog's Day. Let's celebrate Taco Tuesday for once (but still on a Friday because Tuesday drinking is giving #maladaptivebehavior and I can't afford to go to rehab).

Self-serve taco bar next to the kegs? Uh, sign me the fuck up. Meningitis with a side of E. coli, please.

Dress code: a crumpled taco clutched in one limp hand, spilling cheese and lettuce onto the sticky dance floor.

5. Pet Adoption Day!

Are you ready to give a sweet and well-trained frat boy his forever home? We have so many adorable options to choose from, of all different breeds ("business major", "lacrosse player", and "really tall guy you didn't realize was a freshman until it was too late" are some of our most popular options).

Plus, if you take home one of his buddies, we'll give you 50% off! Some of our wonderful boys are paired and will genuinely start eating the couch if they're separated from their best bro (but no homo). Just make sure you give them lots of cuddles during thunderstorms.

Dress code: collars and leashes (obvi).

6. Free haircuts

Nothing attracts people to a dance floor like the promise of a free haircut! Hop on up to the DJ table, where a blond guy named Dylan is wielding a buzzing razor and smiling menacingly. Shorn locks of hair float to the ground like DNA-ridden confetti.

You take a deep breath as his Manic-Panic-stained-palms grab you by the shoulders and push you down onto a couch that has seen more action than Caligula. As the razor makes first contact, he whispers, "Pledge?," into your ear, and you're too scared to tell him no.

Dress code: buzzcuts, mullets, and shitty box dye.

7. French Revolution

Last but not least...want to get your guests extra hyped next time you throw? Let them vote on which frat members should be guillotined live for their entertainment! They'll LOVE it!

Decorate with pink bows, flower bouquets, and a seven-tiered cake people can ravenously eat with their bare hands like they're at a Chuck-E-Cheese-themed bacchanalia. Purchase a real guillotine (also decorated with bows) and give the chopped heads away as party favors at the end of the night. I promise, the girls will love this one.

Dress code: bloody coquette, ribbons, decapitated bodies.

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thanks for reading <3 what should i write next???