Top Ten Demeaning Activities to Keep Yourself Humble

Riley Howe
Mar 12
7 min read

No one likes a show-off, babe.

Are YOU suffering from an inflated ego that just seems untouchable? Maybe your friends and family are complaining that you're simply too dignified, respectable, put-together, and graceful. Like, ugh.

Take some responsibility and embarrass yourself already! It's, like, your CIVIC DUTY to keep morale up by not making the rest of us feel bad. Do you even know the rates of mental illness in this country???!!!! LEVEL THE PLAYING FIELD. BE WORSE. SUCK MORE. It's the noble thing to do, bitch.

Life is full of countless beautiful and varied experiences that can make you feel like a 6th-grade girl who tried to sit at the popular girls' table and got ignored for, like, several straight months*. Or a 6th-grade girl who skipped gym during the Pacer Test because she was scared of embarrassing herself by not running a respectable number of laps. Or a 6th-grade girl who

hid in the library instead of eating lunch because people were scary. Okay, fine, maybe I'm projecting.

BUT THE POINT IS: THERE'S SO MANY OF THIS UNIVERSE'S KIND, GENEROUS GIFTS YOU'RE MISSING OUT ON. IMAGINE NEVER FEELING THE SUN ON YOUR BACK. NEVER SEEING THE OCEAN. NEVER TASTING MCDONALDS SWEET ICED TEA.

That's what you're doing to yourself by abstaining from the same degrading, debasing bullshit the rest of us go through. And, baby, you deserve to experience life to its fullest and most vibrant capacity!!!!! It's, like, the American Dream.

So: here are ten of Cherrypi's TOP TEN TIPS FOR BRINGING YOURSELF DOWN and SPARKING A PIT OF DESPAIR IN YOUR STOMACH! YAYYYYY!!!!

*Why did I keep trying??? And where was that resilient, can-do Rudy spirit during math class??? If I had devoted the same amount of effort to school that I did to, like, making people like me I could have gone to Harvard. Or I guess Notre Dame, based on this analogy. And played football... hashtag Bella and the Bulldogs, bitch.

1. When you try to take a selfie but you press the wrong button and your phone just turns off

Starting off strong with a CLASSIC: when you try to take a selfie one-handed by pressing the volume button (this might only apply to Apple users, I don't know) but you hit the power button instead and your phone screen just goes black. Bonus points if it's a group selfie and everyone's waiting for you to hurry up and take the picture.

Ah, nothing like the sweet taste of anti-climactic, awkward, inelegance to make everyone think you're from the paleolithic era and need your grandson to FaceTime you and help set up your Amazon Alexa.

2. Falling in public and you're totally fine but a bunch of well-meaning people ask if you're okay and look super worried and are really nice

This one is a double-edged sword because, on the one hand, it's really sweet and gives you ~faith in the kindness of strangers~. But also, like, COME ON. Let me lick my wounds in peace. Pretend you didn't see anything. That's real kindness.

3. Overestimating your "iron stomach" and almost vomiting a little after throwing back a shot

This one gets bonus points if you're trying to look cool in front of someone else and/or you already bragged about being a PARTY ANIMAL who can DRINK VODKA LIKE IT'S WATER and they've never had a drink with you before so they don't know that normally you actually CAN take it like a champ.

I'M SORRY, CARRIE UNDERWOOD!!!!!!! I FAILED YOU!!!!!!!! Now I'm the girl with a fruity little drink cause she can't shoot whiskey. I PROMISE I CAN. YOU HAVE TO BELIEVE ME. I LOVE WHISKEY. PLEASEEEEE. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

4. Setting off the fire alarm in your dorm and the whole building has to evacuate

This one isn't that bad but there is something tastefully degrading about hearing everyone complain and feeling like the imposter in AmongUs (wow, outdated reference!). Please don't throw me out of the airlock... I'm sorry... I was trying to make pancakes </3

5. When a professor asks you a really easy question and you get it wrong

You know when the professor asks an easy question that's meant to lead into a series of questions building off of fundamental topics that they assume you know because, OBVI, you're a "good student" who's been "paying attention in class" and "not doing crosswords on your laptop because you're about to die of boredom and you should never have signed up for this and you made terrible life choices to get here"?

Oops.

6. Doing the Walk of Shame to get your Doordash

That exquisite feeling of dragging yourself out of your dorm to go wait by the freezing cold door for your driver to fucking DRIVE ONE MORE BLOCK LIKE GIRL THIS IS A COLLEGE CAMPUS NOT MOUNT FUCKING EVEREST WHAT ARE YOU DOING DOWN THERE. ARE YOU IN A FLINTSTONES CAR WITH STONE WHEELS. ARE YOU USING A GRAPPLING HOOK. ARE YOU TAKING A SHORTCUT BY SWIMMING THE LENGTH OF THE GENESEE RIVER. WHAT IS GOING ON.

Anyway. You're waiting by the door- because you foolishly trusted the app when it said your driver was 30 seconds away- and you look pathetic. Bonus points if you're wearing, like, an oversized t-shirt and nothing else.Even more points if the food is McDonalds or something else stereotypically americanobesityepidemiccore and, FOR REAL, you're very passionate about confronting those fatphobic biases and you know that those stereotypes are FALSE and rooted in classism and racism and the diet industry but STILL.

LIKE, THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH MCDONALDS and any food is better than no food; and it's accessible, cheap, and reliable; and there is very little difference in "health" between McDonalds and a zero-sugar fatfree diet protein bar other than marketing (actually, the McDonalds is probably healthier), but, like, maybe you're still in the process of systematically unpacking diet culture brainwashing and IT'S HARD OKAY. ED RECOVERY IS HARD.

YES, I KNOW FATPHOBIA IS ILLOGICAL, REDUCTIVE, AND INHERENTLY DISCRIMINATORY. ALSO YES, MY 10-YEARS-OF-DISORDERED-EATING BRAIN STILL CRINGES WHEN I HAVE TO CARRY A MCDONALDS BAG PAST PEOPLE. WE EXIST.

Bonus BONUS points if you can't do the leave at the door option and you have to go up to the fucking car. Just kill me already.

7. Taking the elevator up only one floor when another person is in it

Okay, this is something else I'm systematically unpacking and working on with exposure therapy. But I CANNOT HELP BUT BE SELF-CONSCIOUS when someone else gets in the elevator and I'm only going up one floor.

Like, I HATE STAIRS. So much. Is it because of my peripheral neuropathy, which fucks up my leg muscles, balance, proprioception, and lung capacity? Is it because I hate having to pretend I'm not out of breath and deliberately regulate my breathing so people don't think I'm insane? Is it because STAIRS KILLED MY GRANDMA, OKAY?*

Whatever the reason, I HATE STAIRS. AND I DON'T WANNA GO UP THEM. AND YOU CAN'T MAKE ME.

However. When we're on the first floor and someone asks which button to press and I'm like, "two please!", part of me does die inside. Sometimes I actually lie and go up to the top floor and then just go back down again. </3

*That's a Trolls reference. My grandmothers are both alive.

8. Running to catch a bus

THIS IS AN UNSHAKEABLE, UNCOMPROMISING BOUNDARY OF MINE. 100%.

I spent the ENTIRETY of middle school staying up late reading fanfiction or listening to Fall Out Boy, waking up late, and running down the block to catch the bus. Literally dehumanizing.

AND SO, I promised myself that when I graduated high school I would NEVER run to catch a bus again. Ever. I don't care if it's 10 feet away and the next one isn't for an hour. Worth it.

If I have to throw my arm up and wave like TAKE PITY ON ME, KIND BUS DRIVER, I'M BUT A WEE DESPERATE CREATURE BEGGING FOR MERCY, it's not happening. Ew. Yuck. I have some dignity.

If I have to run and then (as mentioned above) regulate my breathing so I don't sound like I'm having a panic attack, it's not happening.

If there are witnesses, not happening.

If I'm wearing Crocs, not happening.

It's called self care <3 Healing my inner child <3 So if you ever try to catch a bus with me, just know that in advance. Hasta la vista, baby. I'll see YOU in an hour. ;)

9. Flirting in what you think is a sexy "She's So Mean" by Matchbox Twenty way but you're actually just hurting their feelings

Okay, if you know me you know that I was raised on, like, "Livin' La Vida Loca". "Laid" by James. "Maneater". Basically, that super specific genre of music that's like I'm in love with this girl but she's kind of a bitch and she's ruining my life but she's really hot.

So, basically, I only know how to hit on people by lowkey making fun of them. BUT. I'M NOT A BAD PERSON. I like to think it's less making fun and more, like, a playful little game. Like, I think seduction is about making the person feel like you two are in on a joke that no one else in the room knows about.

But obviously no one is perfect. So sometimes do I miscalculate and think we're doing a sexy little Mr. and Mrs. Smith thing but actually I hit on a deep-seated insecurity? Perhaps. Can you blame me??!

...oops?

10. Trying to figure out how a machine works at the gym

ENDING STRONG WITH ANOTHER CLASSIC. Subtly trying to read the instructions on a weight machine at the gym without being too obvious. Or crushing a quick little Wikihow.

When you're doing like, acrobatics, trying to casually twist around and look at the diagrams while looking like you're stretching or ~adjusting it~ perfectly like the total expert you obviously are. All while maintaining an impeccable poker face that says, "I come here all the time and totally didn't skip gym because of the Pacer Test ten years ago" (sorry, what was I saying?).

Also, ignore that I'm only doing this for ten minutes. Obviously, I have a class to go to but my ~diehard commitment to fitness~ is so so so important to me I just had to fit it in somehow. And the two pound weights are because this is my rest day. And I'm not shaking because I'm scared! It's just adrenaline...

Hahaha. Oh, I love writing comedy.

Well, I hope these tips help you out next time you catch yourself flying too close to the sun. I'll see you out there! Maybe in the elevator. Or waiting at the bus stop for an extra hour. <3