I Don't Want to Meditate, I Want to Transcend the Spiritual Plane

Riley Howe
Dec 3, 2023
3 min read

5 self-care tips for people who would rather be an ethereal spirit than have to deal with worldly nonsense like brushing their teeth.

CW: unreality

1. Practice staring into the mirror as creepily as possible while you do your nightly rituals.

It never hurts to brush up on your eeriest, uncanniest facial expressions. Why not take the opportunity while you're flossing your teeth? To distract yourself from the mundanity of dental hygiene, you can even pretend YOU are actually the reflection in the mirror and your reflection is the real person until you lose sense of reality and get too uncomfortable to continue.

TIP! Write yourself post-it notes with inspiring messages like, "Are you sure this isn't the mirror dimension?", and, "Did that girl in the mirror just wink?", and, "Is the bathroom door still unlocked?"

2. Sing sea shanties while you brush your hair so you can pretend you're a siren luring men to their deaths.

Personally, I could be convinced to do almost anything if it brought suffering upon the race of men. To really nail the vibe, think of your latest crush and stare out into the distance wistfully but vengefully while thinking Stevie Nicks thoughts (YOU'LL NEVER GET AWAY FROM THE SOUND OF THE WOMAN THAT LOVED YOU). If you want to go the extra mile, try finding a rock next to a body of water to sit on. The toilet in your bathroom is probably fine.

TIP! Make a playlist of siren songs to set the mood. "My Jolly Sailor Bold" is always a classic.

3. Convince yourself you are a non-human creature that has just been granted a mortal body for the first time while you are doing your skincare.

To get into character, crouch Gollum-style on your bed and tilt your head inquisitively at a bottle of lotion. Gnaw on the bottle if the urge strikes you. Wrinkle your nose caricaturishly at the smell of sunscreen. Eat your chapstick*. Embrace the bizarre and incomprehensible world we live in with both arms and an open heart, as if you are seeing it with the fresh eyes of a rock that has just been reanimated as a human being with dry skin.

*For legal reasons CHERRYPI does not endorse this.

TIP! Cultivate an attitude of curious non-judgement as you break away from your unconscious routines. If you felt like half the steps in your skincare routine are bullshit, maybe you're onto something. If you had never experienced a lifetime's worth of social conditioning, what practices would feel necessary and what would feel like overkill? Do you really want to be doing what you're doing or is it just a habit?

4. Use charcoal toothpaste because it makes you look like you're choking up demonic black goo.

Does it make your teeth whiter? Unimportant. The priority here is that when your face splits into an unnaturally wide grin directed at whoever shares a bathroom with you, they will ask if they should call a doctor or maybe a priest.

TIP! To take it to the next level, feel free to start spitting the black liquid out and seizing, and definitely throw some Latin phrases in there if you know any, but if you're not up for that yet just wander away mumbling about strange dreams and voices in your head.

5. Write your own, more accurate, affirmations to recite instead of following a meditation video.

Not all of us want to radiate effortless love and serenity. Try writing your own affirmations that suit you and your very specific, very valid life goals. For example: "I am a figure of haunting yet breathtaking beauty in the minds of everyone who sees me." "I am easily capable of unsettling those around me." "Men and women alike are willing to sacrifice themselves at the altar of my magnetic personality."

TIP! The power of affirmations comes from convincing your mind that your dream reality is actually your current reality, so for optimal payoff, approach your life as if you already ARE a being of tremendous power that can be used for good or evil. The results will follow.