Lentmaxxing

Start Lent right this Ash Wednesday! Maximize your holiness today!

Can the priest do this for, like, my liver. Or my vibrator.

Ugh... another year, another Lent. What are you going to give up this time? Alcohol, chocolate, coffee? BORING! UNORIGINAL! LAME!!!!!!

This year, repent for your sins by LENTMAXXING: just give up fucking everything!!

Maybe you've given things up for Lent before, and obviously God didn't care because your life still sucks. So do better. Give up more. There's the basics, obviously, but let's expand your spiritual cleanliness to new horizons... HOW MUCH CAN YOU GIVE UP AND NOT DIE. PUSH YOURSELF. WHAT WOULD JESUS DO.

The road to hell is paved with good intentions. You know what that means? NOTHING IS SAFE. Are you sure letting that person merge in front of you is what God wants? Are you sure sure? Better not, just to be careful. Actually, don't even drive. Just stay in your house. Except that's sloth and sloth is a sin so don't do that either. Fuck. I don't know, ask a priest.

The sinful life is a stressful one. How much time do you spend every day thinking, "oh my god am I going to burn in hell for giving in to that craving? For checking out that guy's ass? For coveting thine neighbor's iPhone charger?" Free up that precious mental space by sanitizing your soul back to the moral cleanliness of a newborn baby. I mean, what does a baby even think about? "Look, it's my mom! HOLY SHIT MY MOM IS DEAD. Look, my mom! OH MY GOD. Look!"

Ah, I crave that simplicity. I haven't felt pure of soul and mind since I was, like, 5. And even at 5 I was kind of a bitch...

Look, reader, you've tried it all: screen time, sugar, masturbation, entering a family member's email so you can get free Wifi at the mall. This year, do something different. Try Lentmaxxing. If it's possible to give it up, do it.

Better safe than sorry.

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A warning: Lentmaxxing is not for everybody. But Jesus got tempted by Satan for 40 whole days and I can't even look at a bottle of Pink Whitney without caving, so if there is a heaven things aren't looking great for me. I'll update you guys on my spiritual cleanliness in 40 days (if I'm still alive).