Me + Minecraft Baby Zombie 4Ever

I COULD BEEEEEE A GOOOOOD MOTHERRRRR.

IT'S NOT FAIR. I JUST WANT TO SING HIM LULLABIES AND BUY HIM A JELLYCAT BLANKIE.

Ok, it's summer, which means it's the season of sitting on the floor playing Minecraft with my brothers until 4am after I get back from work (yayyy my unemployment crisis is over #workinggirl).

Which means... it's ALSO the season of me intrepidly traversing various biomes sleeping in holes in the ground because I won't build a house until I find the perfect location. And contributing jack shit to defeating the Ender Dragon. And refusing to kill the monsters because they're too cute.

I can't help it! How am I supposed to succeed in this cruel and violent world when the monsters are just SOOOO soul-wrenching...my heart bleeds.

I dare you to look the passively-suicidal creeper in the eyes and feel not a singular twinge of emotion in your unfeeling, dead heart. To slaughter the poor, virtuous spider in cold blood. And perhaps the greatest sin of all: TO CHOKE THE LIFE FROM THE INNOCENT, HELPLESS BABY ZOMBIE. HOW COULD YOU.

I mean, just look at it hiding there, all alone and defenseless in the world. Only coming up to your (virtual, rectangular) knees. It even has teensy little zombie clothes from the baby zombie section of the zombie Gymboree. #babyfever

Did you know that sometimes the baby zombies follow around their mom or dad??? And then if you kill their mom or dad they just STAND THERE. LOOKING DOWN AT THE GROUND. NOT EVEN HITTING YOU WITH THEIR LITTLE BABY ARMS. CONFUSED AND GRIEVING. WTF. I just want to pick him up in my arms and kiss his little forehead and feed him Goldfish crackers.

I could be a good mother. I would build him a zoo animal themed nursery and buy him those little baby clothes with giraffes and lions on them. I would put Kung Fu Panda DVDs in my car. I would take him to the park in one of those tiny wagons you pull behind you and push him on the swings and pack applesauce packets for a snack. I WOULD BABYPROOF ALL MY ELECTRICAL OUTLETS. I WOULD SLOWLY INTRODUCE ALLERGENS INTO HIS DIET SO HE DOESN'T DEVELOP A NUT ALLERGY.

I COULD DO IT. I WOULD GIVE HIM A GOOD LIFE.

Instead I'm doomed to watch him get blown up as collateral damage when I fail to dodge a creeper for the millionth time. To stare into his teensy, unblinking black eyes as we both succumb to our predestined roles in this cold, heartless world.

Go ahead and beat me to death with your tiny little arms, baby zombie. A mother's love is unconditional.

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xoxo readers have a good summer and show mercy to your enemies