Ranking Everything I've Stolen from Frat Houses

It's an art.

I was going to put a picture of the dumbbell here but I'm too lazy. So have this stock photo of some people at a party (barefoot for some fucking reason) instead.

7. A vape off of the floor

Light work. Yawn. Boring. Who hasn't done this?

Only point of note is that I brought it home to my friends- like a rugged cave woman dragging home a hunk of raw meat- and we Clorox-wiped it and then passed it around. Pretty sure it was like...tropical breeze or something. Vaguely citrusy in that way only vapes and antifreeze can achieve. Yuck.

6. Aluminum Foil

Slightly more of an achievement. I tucked it into the back of my skirt and made out like a fucking bandit. Extra points for utility (we used it to store brownies later on that week) and style (I felt like Harley Quinn).

5. Oatmeal

Also gets points for usefulness and non-perishableness. If I had died on the side of the road coming home from that party, the oatmeal would have outlasted my body. I'm actually not sure if I ever ate it???? Poor oatmeal.

4. Lightbulb

Stolen from a utility closet, which is a lot less exciting than an actual lamp and therefore ranks it solidly at #4. Was difficult to transport home because I feared tripping and implanting six million shards of glass into my sternum. Like the oatmeal, it met an uncertain fate.

3. Beauty and the Beast DVD

Would have ranked higher except I didn't want to dance with it in my waistband so I gave it to some random girls as a parting gift. I do not know what became of this Beauty and the Beast DVD... I can only hope it has a treasured place in the home of those random girls... perhaps valued as a good luck charm bestowed on them by a benevolent creature of the night...

2. Furry Halloween spider

The most recent addition to my collection. Stolen off the mantle while I danced on the DJ table, then tucked down the back of my pants. I'm already very fond of it and its' charmingly bendy legs and delightful soft texture. My roommate named it Billy Joel.

1. 20 lb dumbbell

My magnum opus... I only wish I had photo evidence of the night I brought this home. Imagine a 5'1" girl swaying in wide zig-zags across the pavement, very drunk, alone, carrying a 20 lb dumbbell on her shoulder like an infant. A modern day Mary of Bethlehem, if you will.

---

xoxo riley