Ranking Hallmark Movies I've Seen This Season by How Experimental I Think the Main Couple is in Bed

'Tis the season. Follow along my journey as I analyze which Hallmark couples know what aftercare is and which would faint if you said the word prostate in front of them.

9. The Santa Summit

Oh my god, don't you love how this photo is a different size than all the other ones? I know I do.

Starting off is The Santa Summit. This movie features not just one but THREE different couples! Oh my god, am I going to write a separate entry for each of them? I feel like I have to.

For starters, we have Jordin- an art teacher still getting over a big breakup- and Liam, a house designer or constructor or something (I don't remember) who meet at a Hallmark-ified SantaCon and feel an instant connection, before losing each other in the crowd of other people dressed up like Santa.

As far as the kinkiness of their sex life goes... I'm not seeing it, readers. They're just too earnest. I think if Liam had to call her a degrading name (or vice versa) they would both start crying.

Like, she tries to dress up for him, and he tells her she looks good but secretly like her better au naturel. He pins her up against the wall to try and be sexy and she starts laughing. Their idea of spicing it up is, like, eating whipped cream off of each other after making hot chocolate. Not even. They joke about it but if they ever tried they would dissolve into a giggling fit.

My conclusions: vanilla, but in a super adorable, gross, makes-other-people-jealous way. Rose petals on the bed type shit.

8. To All a Good Night

Look at the lift in those shoes. Tom Cruise who?

This cinematic masterpiece features our lead, Ceci, very heroically saving the life of motorcycle-riding, leather-jacket-wearing Sam who (you guessed it!) crashed his motorcycle in the woods and somehow sustained no physical damage except for a shoulder injury that seems to impede him only once throughout the 90-minute runtime of the film. It's a Christmas miracle, guys.

Hallmark obviously wants me to think Sam could throw his weight around in the bedroom (he's clearly supposed to be the rugged bad boy who's charm is heightened by his rough-around-the-edges demeanor) but I'm just not seeing it either.

For starters, his demeanor is hardly rough-around-the-edges. Like, 10% rough. A hint of scratchiness, maybe. His penchant leather jacket is in perfect condition and looks like it came from a brand with an Italian name. Also, nothing against short kings, but Ceci is taller than him in his (probably also Italian) heeled boots.

So, no, I hardly think Sam is the Christian Grey to Ceci's Anastasia Steele. Does this mean it's Ceci taking the reins? Unfortunately, I think also no. But I'm not ruling out some risqué banter here and there... and who knows what might happen with time.

My conclusions: not particularly experimental, but they like to pretend they are. Like, Ceci brags about him taking her out on his motorcycle so all her friends are scandalized, but then they go home and have vanilla sex and never spice it up ever.

7. Round and Round

Rachel, a stressed-out editor (with a manuscript on the backburner that she's too afraid to let anyone read) meets Zach, an art teacher her grandmother brought home with her for Hannukah. Before she knows it she's entered a time loop that will teach her to put herself out there even if it means facing rejection.

Ahhh... if there's anything I love more than a Hallmark movie- the cookie cutter plots! the miscommunication! the fake snow!- it's a time loop. But the real question is: in any of their alternate timelines, do these two darlings spice things up in the bedroom?

Readers, I thought long and hard about this one. Initially I thought not- Rachel is too uptight, Zach is too gymbro- but then I realized I wasn't giving the man of the hour enough credit. This is a guy who LARPs. He can take some risks in the bedroom. And Rachel, not to be outcompeted, would surely call his bluff!

Are they getting crazy with it every weekend? Perhaps not. But if their romance can overcome a family-heirloom-dreidel curse, I'm sure they can handle some light power dynamics and maybe a little roleplay (she is an author, after all).

My conclusions: not the freakiest couple on this list, but she's willing to cosplay a hot elf or something for his birthday.

6. The Nine Lives of Christmas

My favorite Hallmark movie of all time...vet student Marilee and firefighter Zachary are brought together by fate (actually, their two cats, who seem to be all-knowing and omnipotent), despite Zachary's commitment issues. She temporarily moves in with him because she got kicked out of her no-pets-allowed apartment. They kiss under mistletoe but tell themselves their relationship is still platonic. The cats are besties. What more could you ask for?

Readers, it breaks my heart to say it, but I'm not convinced that these two get wild in the bedroom. Zachary is resistant to change and somewhat insecure in his masculinity. Marilee is a control freak but not necessarily in a sexy way. I just don't know.

I'm imagining, like, they joke about things, but she mentions safewords and he gets overwhelmed and stops bringing it up. They have clandestine sex in the firehouse but never do it again because Marilee doesn't want to get him fired. Zachary wants to ask someone if it's bad that he kinda likes it when she's mean to him but he doesn't have anyone to talk to about it because his only confidants are his father figure and his cat.

That being said, I think a bit of sexual exploration would be good for them. Maybe that's just authorship bias speaking though.

My conclusions: not the most vanilla on this list, but there's untapped potential here. Sure, they have sex once or twice in his firefighter uniform, but they've definitely both thought about bringing out the handcuffs on their anniversary and then overthought it and never did.

5. The Secret Gift of Christmas

Aw, he's tying her ice skate for her! Can you say service submission?

Bonnie is a personal shopper tackling one of her toughest clients yet: Patrick, a widowed construction worker single-handedly running a business and raising his daughter, all while dressed in dusty jeans and navy blue sweatshirts that Bonnie hates.

They actually have a surprisingly-quick turnaround from, "I disapprove of your life choices and think you're infuriating," to, "let's go on a hot chocolate date," which is disappointing because their annoyed back-and-forths were pretty cute. Where's the struggle! Where's the uphill climb from hatred to kissing under the mistletoe! Goddammit, Hallmark.

Anyway, this might just be wishful thinking, but I feel like there's potential for some indecency here. Bonnie does seem to enjoy dressing Patrick up and bossing him around, and he complains at first but gets with the memo pretty quick. Also, she's very passionate about clothing, and I'm certain her dominatrix wardrobe would be to die for.

However, I also see her going crazy for him in a suit. Like, Y/N-Mafia-boss style. Patrick- with his CGI-whitened teeth and somewhat bland personality- is tragically hard to get a read on kinks-wise but I see some dom potential there. Maybe they're both switches?

My conclusions: somewhat experimental. She likes the BDSM outfits more than the actual BDSM. He likes to sexily "put her in her place" when she gets too bossy but would have a panic attack in a sex shop.

4. The Nine Kittens of Christmas

Guess what! It's a SEQUEL to The Nine Lives of Christmas! I know. I almost cried when I found out.

You might be wondering why I put this movie on the list if we've already discussed the sex lives of dear Marilee and Zachary... "could their bedroom habits really have changed that much in the span of one movie?", I'm sure you're asking. Well, dear reader, I think YES.

Five years ago, Marilee left Zachary (cue gasping) and moved to Miami to open her vet clinic, starting a new relationship with the co-owner of her practice, before returning to her nondescript British Canadian hometown for Christmas where a litter of kittens left outside the firehouse force her and Zachary to reunite.

But this isn't the old Zachary! No longer the pinnacle of toxic masculinity, this man is a vulnerable, anxious hot mess who has pretend conversations with his cat and, like, asks for help from other people. THIS Zachary would do a Google search about pegging before saying no. Yay! Growth!

Are these two going to sex dungeons and shibari classes together? Ha. Let's be serious. But this is an IMPROVEMENT, readers. Maybe now Marilee can dom without having a nervous breakdown. Let's give Zachary some gentle discipline, girl! And probably some praise while you're at it!

My conclusions: they're getting there. Marilee takes the reins once or twice and has, like, a BDSM awakening, and starts doing research and channeling dominatrix energy on the bus to give herself a confidence boost. Zachary pretends it's not a big deal but he's definitely having an awakening too.

3. The Santa Summit (cont.)

The second couple of The Santa Summit are Stella- a cynical music teacher who's been forced to teach English due to budgeting cuts - and Freddie, a ceaselessly-optimistic singer with a leather jacket (Sam, you wish you were him).

With Stella's neverending fatalism and Freddie's happy-go-lucky attitude, they are a brat and dom match made in heaven. These two definitely spice it up in bed. Like, hardcore. That girl is getting spanked under the Christmas tree.

Do the tables ever turn? Perhaps. Stella seems like she needs an outlet from the stress of her everyday life, and I can see her, like, stepping on him or something.

My conclusions: the leather jacket stays ON during sex (not really, that would be super uncomfortable). Stella is a brat and doesn't know how to behave when he praises her. He's a shameless exhibitionist (musicians always are).

2. The Santa Summit (cont cont.)

Ok, moving on to the last couple of The Santa Summit: extremely nerdy math teacher Ava and her equally-nerdy also-a-teacher crush Ben, who have a touching love confession during a silent disco while both dressed as Santa.

Readers, it's my pleasure to say yes, these two definitely experiment-with-a-capital-E! Leave it to the nerds. They literally confess their love by quoting Lord of the Rings. There's definitely some very kinky roleplay going on at home.

With the utmost respect and admiration, I KNOW that Ms. Ava gets crazy with it... dirty talk, costumes, props, the whole deal. And Ben is definitely very turned on by her efficient planning ahead and diligent research into safe bondage practices. He's like, a history teacher. She probably made him an introductory powerpoint with a citation page and he came in his pants.

My conclusions: Ava has highlighted copies of The New Topping Book and The New Bottoming Book on her nighstand. These two have tried it all.

1. Catch Me if You Claus

Guys, I didn't even watch this one. I just walked in on my mom watching it and was like, "WHY IS THERE A HOT GUY TIED UP IN CHRISTMAS LIGHTS?" (in my head, not out loud, because my mom and I aren't chill like that). So it automatically tops (ha) the list.

Apparently this movie is about Avery- a news anchor getting her big break by airing the Christmas morning story- and Chris, the son of Santa Claus. It's his first Christmas delivering gifts when she finds him in her house, thinks he's a criminal, and pulls out the ol' Bondage 101 toolkit. Imagine if all kink was this festive. I'd definitely be getting into the Christmas spirit.

As I did not view the film, I can only speculate as to the romantic and sexual chemistry of its leads. Avery seems unprecedentedly comfortable tying up this guy using an obviously pretty sophisticated setup (dude has bulging muscles, and he couldn't break out) so I imagine she has some experience with this. Not sure that the North Pole is a BDSM hotspot so Chris might be an amateur but he seems like he's handling it pretty well.

I can only imagine that, were it not for the time-sensitive issue of delivering presents to small children, they would have had a pretty fun night. They always say it's the high-achieving CEOs who secretly like to be degraded the most, and that's probably true for Santa too. He runs a pretty big operation.

My conclusions: the Christmas lights make a repeat appearance in their relationship, I'm sure. Can you do CBT with Christmas lights? Nevermind. That sounds risky.