Ranking the 10 Worst Things I've Used as Chasers

Bad news, guys. My dietician has strongly dissuaded me from going out this weekend (booooooo!) because of, like, "recovery-focused goals" and, "ex-bulimics probably shouldn't be drinking till they throw up". Or something*. Eye roll.

So... let's reminisce on the good times by ranking the ten worst things I've ever used as a chaser!

*Just kidding guys! I love my dietician and also fuck eating disorders and recovery is worth it and all that. Still gonna cope through humor though.

Salt and lime????? What am I, the president??????

10. Sour skittles

Out of everything on this list, sour skittles have been- in my experience- the least painful follow up to a shot of hard liquor (which is not saying much).

Is it their acidic tang, chasing the taste of room temperature vodka away one crunchy burst of flavor at a time? Is it the way they destroy your delicate mouth tissue so you no longer feel pain (or your gag reflex)? Is it their beautiful multicolored appearance injecting a sense of childish whimsy into your depressing life?

I don't know, but last weekend I tasted the rainbow and it was pretty amazing. Thank you, Skittles gods, for your mercy.

9. Kombucha

If you want to feel marginally better about your life while you pregame your night of risking meningitis in the pursuit of true love, this is a must-try!

"My gut microbiome is thriving," I think smugly, taking a deep inhale through my nose to stave off the reflux. "This self-care shit is so easy." There's just a certain je ne sais quoi to the sweet, sweet dissonance of putting your body back together just to fuck it up again. Gwyneth Paltrow wrote about it or something.

8. Melted Dairy Queen Blizzard

The subtle flavor palette of the lukewarm ice cream swirled with extremely soggy pieces of a cake topping, all mixing with the acrid corpse-like sweetness of Pink Whitney, is hard to describe yet somehow powerful in its incomprehensibility.

The Dairy Queen Blizzard explains itself to no one. It indomitably resists categorization. It sits on the floor- forgotten, melted, riddled with bacteria- waiting patiently for its time to come. It is not the hero we deserve but the one we need.

I salute you, Dairy Queen Blizzard.

7. Actively-fermenting cranberry juice

Cranberry juice is a perfectly good chaser, I hear you arguing. But, dear reader, THIS IS NO ORDINARY CRANBERRY JUICE!

As a young and naive freshman, filled with a bold- and dare I say American- desire to follow in the footsteps of my great ancestors, I endeavored to make prison wine in my dorm room.

Unfortunately I did not realize you needed, like, a whole set up with tubes and jars and shit so I was like FUCK THAT and instead I just left a half-open jug of cranberry juice under my desk for approximately 3 weeks. Somehow it did not kill me, although I do not think it ever became alcoholic. Sad.

Points for (mostly normal) taste but there was a definite fear of listeria.

6. Cold leftover coffee

A solid middle of the pack option here. Can't go wrong with a tepid Keurig coffee left out for nine hours because you drank two sips while getting dressed and then left it on your desk. Simple, sturdy, gets the job done.

Is this chaser going to drag you back from the brink when the room is spinning? Maybe not. Will it open up unbelievable new culinary worlds, taking your taste buds to the final frontier? No. But I trust it. It's like that one familiar employee at the dollar store who you intuitively feel wouldn't murder you in an alley because they're familiar and therefore safe.

5. Grenadine

Though it is nowhere near the worst item on this list, I just can't find it in myself to recommend the experience of swishing a teeny-tiny bit of straight grenadine syrup around your mouth like you're at the dentist trying to rinse out Tito's instead of toothpaste.

Something about the sickly-sweet, tooth-aching grenadine hitting your taste buds just really makes you take a good hard look at your life (before you shake it off and reapply your lip gloss, duh!). If you've ever wanted to experience what a Shirley Temple would be like if she had been a troubled teen sent to rehab for her umpteenth coke scandal instead of a cute dancing kid, this chaser is definitely for you.

4. Dairy milk

Though not groundbreakingly horrible in practice, dairy milk pulls a high rank on this list because of, 1) my mild lactose intolerance, and, 2) the fact that I feel I'm committing a great sin against nature whenever I combine milk and hard liquor.

I don't know, it just feels wrong. Like, babies drink milk. All over the world. In every mammalian species. Chasing alcohol with milk feels like giving a baby a shot by association.

Also, the combination of liquor and milk makes me feel like I'm drinking bile, as if I Ms-Frizzle-style flew my way into a newborn lamb's intestines and am now being bathed in the creamy river of sheep milk mixing with digestive acids. Ew.

3. Lukewarm sink water

TOP 3! It takes a desperate, desperate person to chase a shot with lukewarm water from the sink, and unfortunately I am (was? am I reformed yet?) that person. The vending machine downstairs is just too far away. Besides, it'll all be over before you know it. Just turn the music up and slam that bitch down, girl! Strike hard, strike fast, no mercy!

Every time this happens to me I promise myself it'll be the last time. "I'll buy a bottle of juice next weekend," I think, "I'll put a soda in the fridge." And yet, when the sun sets on another cold Rochester Friday, it is once again just me and my sink water against the world. Sigh. Maybe next time things will be different...

2. Another shot

If you thought it couldn't get worse than sink water, boy, do I have news for you! I have very little critical feedback to offer about this one, probably because my brain blocked out the moment due to trauma.

I can only speculate that my body went into a swift and complete shutdown out of retaliation against the youthful naivete of a 20-year-old with no liver damage. I imagine I woke up in a wheat field somewhere 10 miles south of my dorm, naked and confused, having undergone a complete amnesiac experience to preserve my remaining brain cells.

1. Applesauce

WE HAVE A WINNER!

Frankly, this is an experience I would wish upon no one.

You clutch a shot glass in one hand and a spoon in the other. The shot goes down and your hand shakes as you frantically shovel a scoop of applesauce down your throat, which feels like getting a strep test at the doctor except worse because if you gag that's, like, $2 of carefully-rationed alc money coming up right there (I will lick that shit up off the floor if I have to). You can feel the applesauce just hanging out in your esophagus waiting for its encore.

If you or a loved one ever find yourself chasing shots with applesauce, please reach out for help. You are not alone in this battle. Help is available.

xoxo thx for readingggg <3