Reviewing American Psycho (The Musical) (But Only Act I Because I Got Bored)
- Riley Howe
- Apr 11, 2024
- 4 min read
Did you also think the original American Psycho was sorely lacking in harmonic synthpop covers of Phil Collins and New Order? TOTALLY, RIGHT?! Well look no further, salvation is here.
Angels played "Mistletoe Alert" to Susan Sontag in a dream and she shot awake to write "Notes on Camp".
I discovered this musical when I was, like, 13, and it definitely shaped my brain during some formative years. Follow me along on this nostalgic journey as we experience the Matt-Smith-led London version of a-
WAIT SHUT THE FUCK UP POST PAUSED. I just Wikipedia-d this to check how long the production ran for (not long) and THIS IS HOW I FIND OUT THE GUY FROM BRIDGERTON WAS IN THE CAST. What a crazy world we live in. Eye-opening information.
Ok, anyway.
Follow me along blah blah blah etc and whatever I don't even care anymore.
1. Opening (Morning Routine)
The good: warped sociopolitical and avertising samples as capitalist commentary, book accuracy
The bad: honestly, no notes. 10/10
The "I lie awake thinking about this at night": "...the high alcohol content dries out your skin and makes you look (deep pause so you have time to contemplate your worldly sufferings)... OLDER."
Rating based off of how cunty you feel while lipsyncing it into a mirror: 7/10 but jumps to a 12/10 at "and this is what being Patrick Bateman means to me" (NAILS HAIR HIPS HEELS SLAY WALK CUNT PUSSYBOSSQUEEN !!!!!)
2. Cards
The good: homoerotic one-sided nemesis monologuing ("baby"???), Paul Allen just in general
The bad: having the gay guy deliver the word "thick" in that tone of voice with all the subtlety of a brick to the face (#camp)
The "I lie awake thinking about this at night": "MY FONT" / "he's cut from" / "IMPERIAL" / "nice material"
Rating based off of how cunty you feel while lipsyncing it into a mirror: 7.5/10 (averaging the cuntiness of Paul Allen versus everyone else)
3. You Are What You Wear
The good: SOOOO fun to lipsync the chorus despite the fact that I could not tell Chanel vs Prada apart with a gun to my head
The bad: weird experimental breathing segment, "birthday boyyy" (ew)
The "I lie awake thinking about this at night": in a certain kind of neighborhood you might get away with vivienne westwood 🙄🙄🤮💸💸💸
Rating based off of how cunty you feel while lipsyncing it into a mirror: 8/10
4. Oh Sri Lanka
The good: harmonies <3, very accurate to the original text's 1-2 punch experience of reading about Patrick Bateman's political views, mergers and acquisitions mention 🎉🎉🎉
The bad: babies with rabies 🤨
The "I lie awake thinking about this at night": can I say babies with rabies twice
Rating based off of how cunty you feel while lipsyncing it into a mirror: 6/10
5. True Faith
The good: more harmonies <33333, I DONT CARE CAUSE IM NOT THERE AND I DONT CARE IF IM HERE TOMORROW!!!AGAIN AND AGAIN IVE TAKEN TOO MUCH OF THE THINGS THAT COST YOU TOO MUCH !!!!!!!
The bad: no notes. head empty just lucie jones' voice
The "I lie awake thinking about this at night": paul allen's delivery of "hilarious". i would have killed him too
Rating based off of how cunty you feel while lipsyncing it into a mirror: 3/10, more depressed than cunty
6. Killing Time
The good: omg it's mr bridgerton, just two bros dissociating and doing coke together, i love this song so much guys it's not even funny, HEAVEN'S (IT'S MY) STATE OF MINDDDD
The bad: my only criticism is this song ends at 3 minutes and 12 seconds
The "I lie awake thinking about this at night": "you're just killing while you're killing time" 👁️👁️
Rating based off of how cunty you feel while lipsyncing it into a mirror: 5/10 but in a pathetic wet rat way
7. In the Air Tonight
The good: literally just the last 30 seconds of the song
The bad: not my fave, kinda boring </4
The "I lie awake thinking about this at night": that M/F harmony at 1:40 tho 🥵🥵🥵🥵
Rating based off of how cunty you feel while lipsyncing it into a mirror: 1/10
8. Hardbody
The good: the sex noises transition is possibly the best theatrical direction of all time
The bad: not recovery focused 👎👎👎👎, book accurate slur usage 😔 , book accurate luis-caused secondhand embarrassment
The "I lie awake thinking about this at night": FIRST OF ALL MY THERAPIST IS A WOMAN
Rating based off of how cunty you feel while lipsyncing it into a mirror: 15/10, could conquer kingdoms
9. If We Get Married
The good: nothing
The bad: boring don't care, jean please stand up babygirl
The "I lie awake thinking about this at night": I Do Not Think About This Song.
Rating based off of how cunty you feel while lipsyncing it into a mirror: 1/10
10. Not a Common Man
The good: look at history open the books 😌😌😌💅💅, those sexy little synth noises in the background, cuntservepussyslayboss
The bad: NO NOTES! 100%!
The "I lie awake thinking about this at night": ARE YOU LOSING TOO MUCH BLOODDDDDD LET IT FLOWWW LET IT FLOOOODDD 🩸🩸🩸🩸
Rating based off of how cunty you feel while lipsyncing it into a mirror: infinity/10
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