Seeking: Support Group for Girls Who Had "Slytherin" in Their Bios
- Riley Howe
- Feb 26
- 2 min read
I don't think there's much of an argument here if I say, "J.K. Rowling sucks". Like, it's a fairly widespread opinion at this point (although the extent to which people boycott or defend her work varies).
And yet (despite the fact that the problematic themes of the original texts went unexamined or excused for years by many readers) this semi-recent whiplash of cancellation has had a ripple effect throughout pop culture... and dare I say, society at large.
People's beloved childhood memories of wizards and witchcraft are now tainted by the burdensome knowledge of Rowling's indiscretions. No longer is Hermione Granger the poster girl of academic overachievers (and with her loss came a hole in the food chain of the studygoals aesthetics, which I believe number 2 seed Rory Gilmore has now taken), and those real-life Quidditch clubs that kept popping up now seem to have faded into obsolescence. Think of the FunkoPops gone unsold! The Draco Malfoy fanfiction gone unwritten!
But to me, these losses are nothing in the wake of the real tragedy.
In the good old days, there was a perfectly inconspicuous, socially acceptable way to warn people that you were kind of a bitch. In fact, it was more than a warning: it was a creed, an identity, a means of empowerment and assertiveness in the face of an unjust and oppressive society. Just by identifying as this one simple word, you could boldly proclaim to the world: I'm here, I'm meaner than you are, and I've accepted it which means you should definitely be a little scared because I probably know how to dispose of dead bodies without getting caught.
And that one simple code phrase to imply all of this and more? "Oh, I'm a Slytherin."
LIKE, WHERE IS MY SUPPORT GROUP FOR EX-SLYTHERIN IDENTIFIERS. IN ALL THESE YEARS, I HAVE FOUND NO REPLACEMENT FOR THE EASE AND GRACE WITH WHICH TO PUBLICLY ANNOUNCE YOUR LOW-KEY BITCHINESS THAN THE HOGWARTS HOUSE SYSTEM.
And, totally pedantic caveat: I'm not endorsing the whole Slytherin = bitch reductionist thing because it's not really book accurate or anything. But this isn't about the truth. It's about sending a message.
And that message was: I'M A LITTLE CRAZY AND I'M WARNING YOU AHEAD OF TIME, IN THE MOST DEMURE WAY THAT I CAN, THAT I CHOSE THE MACHIAVELLIAN SNAKE DUNGEON HOUSE OVER THE CUTE BADGER ONE AND THAT'S THE KIND OF PERSON I AM, MOTHERFUCKER. LOOK ELSEWHERE FOR CUTE BADGERS.
In this post-Harry-Potter world, what am I supposed to do now? I mean, I can't just say outright that I took a quiz and said I would, like, stab someone in the back for a chocolate bar. Right now, off the top of my head, I can't even think of another- recent- show or series that creates easily alignable identities with which people can easily broadcast essential character traits to each other without all the extraneous words.
I guess, if anyone thinks of one, let me know. And if you want to start a support group for us ex-Slytherins, then you know where to find me (in a snake dungeon, obv).
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